What to gift a man???
I see this question every month on Twitter, so I thought I will answer it for eternity!
If you want the short answer, here it is ⬇️
But if you want a long answer, let’s understand how most men are brought up!
From the day a man is born, he is indoctrinated with a narrative of “you are going to be X, Y, or Z”. These X, Y, Z are engineers, doctors, coders, IITians, etc., you and I see all around us.
The more a boy is closer to becoming a man, the more of these societal/parental expectations are put on him. The typical “10th pass karlo fir aish hi aish hain” type stuff.
And in that scenario, do you really think he knows what he wants?
He doesn’t. And that’s why the most typical response you will get from a guy is that - Buy me whatever.
Expectations = Responsibility
The moment you are putting some expectation on someone. A person is either going to totally ruin that expectation, or the person is going to take it as a responsibility to fulfil that expectation.
I consider myself a responsible guy. And because I was fulfilling all the expectations, like choosing a career path, they decided for me. The moment I got some money, there were a few more unsaid expectations that cropped up, like :
I will send money back home
I will loan them money anytime they want
I will let them decide how I should spend that money
I will take it as another responsibility to fulfil all these above expectations
Honestly, I never fell for that. I treated my money as mine, but for most of the guys, that’s not the case.
And as a result, if a guy spends money on himself, he feels guilty. And sometimes forced into feeling guilty.
Even I get an occasional lecture on how I should be responsible with my money and whatnot, but I don’t listen. But most guys do.
You really think he is going to buy anything for himself after that?
That’s why everything in Ted Mosby’s apartment is from his ex-girlfriends.
And that’s why I used to feel a little guilty every time I was buying anything for myself for a long time.
One more side effect was that I was not able to take a break. The moment I took a break from anything, I subconsciously ran a loop that I was not doing enough to help my family. By taking a break, I am slowing down or ruining my chances of fulfilling their expectations. (The day I realised this in therapy, I was able to take a break without guilt)
And similarly, men need to stop being guilty about spending on themselves.
Self-Love And All
Now, this will be the cheesy part of the newsletter for men. But you need to start being a little kind to yourself.
I know there are a lot of expectations from you. And you want to fulfil those expectations. But you most probably won’t be able to until you have a good relationship with yourself.
You wanted that RC car as a kid, go buy it.
You wanted a LEGO set and build that fort out, why not do it?
You wanted to play games all day and stop thinking about the responsibility you have, so why not forget about it for a while? You have your whole life to fulfil those responsibilities.
I know all of the above things seem like an illogical expense, and the same money can be put into a mutual fund or saved up or sent back home. But it can also be used as proof that you care about yourself.
I always wanted a Harry Potter book set. And the day my then-girlfriend brought it for me. I genuinely melted.
Just like I started taking guilt-free breaks. I have started spending a little guilt-free on things that I enjoy, like books, a Harry Potter wand, Mr Bean’s teddy, some expensive stationery, and travel.
And from my experience, it has been worth it.
A Few Nuances
I am not asking you to spend all of your money on yourself. But maybe keep some money(even 500) to be spent on yourself.
I wrote all this from the perspective of a man. Women might also be facing the same issue. But, I also think on average they avoid this trap because they are more attuned to their emotions. For guys, logic mostly beats emotion. For girls, it’s exactly the opposite.
Self-love is not about spending money on yourself or doing affirmations like - I love myself or caring only about yourself. It’s mostly about treating yourself like you will treat your best friend, you want the best for. Nothing more, nothing less.
And that’s it for today.
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It keeps me motivated to post more consistently.
How can you forget PS5